Blackadder Once Again the Devil Farts in My Face
This is the total script for 'Beer', the 5th episode of Blackadder Series 2. Lots of drunken shenanigans ensue, and even the Queen gets drunk. Plenty of Blackadder Quotes to choose from in this episode as well!
Blackadder Series 2 Episode v Beer Full Script
[Edmund's house. Lords Percy Percy and Edmund Blackadder are
eating breakfast.]
Percy: I must say, Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to enquire me to share your
breakfast before the rigours of the solar day begin.
Edmund: Well, it is said, Percy, that civilised human seeks out expert and
intelligent visitor, so that, through learned discourse, he may
ascent above the cruel and closer to God.
Percy: Yes, I've heard that.
Edmund: Personally, however, I like to start the mean solar day with a total dickhead
to remind me I'yard all-time.
Percy: Beshrew me, Edmund! You're in good fooling this morning time.
Edmund: Don't say `beshrew me', Percy — only stupid actors say `beshrew me'.
Percy: Oh, how I would love to be an actor! I had a great talent for it in
my youth — I was the human being of a thousand faces.
Edmund: How'd you come to choose the ugly mug you've got now, then?
[He begins reading a note.]
Percy: Hah hah! Tush, My Lord.
Edmund: …and don't say `tush', either! It'due south only a short step from `tush'
to `hey nonny nonny'; and then, I'chiliad afraid, I'll shall accept to call
the police force.
[Looks at the notation once more.]
Well! God pats me on the head and says, "Skilful boy, Edmund!"
Percy: My Lord…?
Edmund: My aunt and uncle, Lord and Lady Whiteadder, the two nearly fanatical
puritans in England, have invited themselves to dinner hither this evening.
Percy: But aren't they the well-nigh frightful bores?
Edmund: Yes, but they have one great redeeming characteristic — their wallets.
More capacious than an elephant's scrotum, and just as difficult
to get your easily on…at to the lowest degree until now, for, this evening, they wish
to discuss my inheritance. [runs his fingers through his pilus]
Percy: [stands quickly] Hey nonny nonny, My Lord! Good news!
[he holds out a hand as though expecting Edmund to shake it]
Edmund: [calls] Baldrick!
[Baldrick enters, wearing an apparatus on his caput which is dangling
a piece of cheese from the end of his nose. Edmund begins to speak
nigh something, and then notices.]
Edmund: [calmly] Why accept you got a piece of cheese tied to the end
of your nose?
Baldrick: To catch mice, My Lord. I prevarication on the floor with my mouth open
and promise they scurry in.
Edmund: …and do they?
Baldrick: Non yet, My Lord.
Edmund: Well, I'k not surprised — your breath comes directly from Satan'south
bottom, Baldrick. The simply sort of mouse y'all're going to catch is
ane without a olfactory organ.
Baldrick: That's a pity, because the nose is the best bit on a mouse.
Edmund: Any bit of a mouse would seem like luxury compared to what Percy
and I must eat this evening. We are entertaining puritan vegetable folk,
Balders; and that means no meat.
Baldrick: In that example, I shall prepare my Turnip Surprise.
Edmund: and the surprise is…?
Baldrick: …there's naught else in it except the turnip.
Edmund: And so, in other words, the Turnip Surprise would be…a turnip.
Baldrick: [realisation] Oh yeah…
[At that place is a knock at the door.]
Edmund: Get the door, Baldrick, get the door…
[Baldrick leaves.]
Percy: Well, at present, if things go as planned this evening, information technology seems congratulations
are in club…
[he holds out a hand as though expecting Edmund to shake it]
Edmund: Nice try, Percy, only forget information technology — you're not getting a penny.
[he goes to sit in the chair at the doorway to the room]
[A tremendous noise of forest being aptitude and cleaved fills the room.
Baldrick enters, carrying a door.]
Edmund: [looks at what Baldrick is carrying; is not surprised; speaks calmly]
Baldrick, I would advise you to brand the explanation you are about
to give phenomenally good.
Baldrick: You said, "Get the door."
Edmund: Not good plenty. You're fired.
Baldrick: Just, My Lord, I've been in your family since 1532!
Edmund: So has syphilis. Now become out.
Baldrick: [obscured by laughter], My Lord. [starts to leave only returns]
Oh, by the way: there was a messenger outside when I got the door.
He says the Queen wants to see you; Lord Melchett is very sick.
Edmund: [stands up excited] Really…!
Baldrick: Yeah — he's at Death's door.
Edmund: Well, my true-blue old reinstated family unit servant, allow's go and
open information technology for him, and so!
[Scene changes to a large room. Melchett is lying on a bed with
a paw on his head. Queen Elizabeth is fanning his face with her
hand. Nursie pushes on Melchett's stomach. Edmund enters.]
Queen: Edmund! Quick! Quick! Melchett's dying! We must practise something!
Edmund: Well, yeah, of course… er, some sort of celebration…
But let's wait until he's actually snuffed information technology, shall nosotros?
Queen: Nursie's onetime methods don't seem to be working…
Nursie: Come on, picayune tummy…
Queen: [goes across the room, to speak privately with Edmund]
It all started last night at about two o'clock. I was tucked
into bed having this absolutely scrummy dream about ponies when
I was wakened past a terrific banging from Lord Melchett.
Edmund: [grins at the double entendre] Well! I never knew he had it in him.
Queen: Information technology'southward true, I promise! He was banging on the castle gate, falling
over, and singing a strange song most a girl who possessed something
called a…dicky-di-practise?
Edmund: Oh, yes, it'south a lovely old hymn, isn't it… [returns to the bed]
Well, Ma'am, I think I know what's incorrect with Lord Melchett,
and, unfortunately, it isn't fatal.
Queen: Well, hurry up and cure the horrible human — I'm fed upwards with him lying
there moaning and groaning…
Nursie: …and letting off such bang-up and fruitsome flappy woof-woofs!
Ane tin can scarcely…one can't believe one's tiny nosy!
Edmund: The truth is: Lord Melchett just can't take his ale.
Melchett: [sitting up] Madam, I protestation! I may exist a trivial delicate this
morning, but what I drank last night would accept floored a
rhinocerous!
Edmund: …if it was allergic to lemonade…
Melchett: It'due south Blackadder here who can't take his ale — he'south famous for it!
Edmund: Oh yeah?
Melchett: Yeah!
Edmund: Yeah?
Melchett: Yeah!
Queen: Oh, [???] this is so exciting — the boys are getting tough!
Melchett: Well, I'm certain we all remember the shame and embarrassment of the
visit of the King of Austria when Blackadder was found wandering
naked amongst the corridors of Hampton Court singing, "I'chiliad Merlin,
The Happy Pig!"
Edmund: So, what did you have last dark, then? a whole half-pint of
murphy juice?
Melchett: On the contrary! I had 2 flagons of claret and a double helping
of curried turtle! I can assure y'all: it's no holds barred with
us at the annual communion-wine tasting.
Edmund: Annual! Hah! For me and the wild boys, every night is drinking
night!
Melchett: Says who?
Edmund: Says me!
Melchett: Says you?
Edmund: Yeah!
Melchett: [expecting that Edmund is bragging] eeaaaahh…
Edmund: You ought to come up effectually sometime and have a look at the
underside of >my< table!
Melchett: Bah…
Queen: …tonight!!!
Melchett: [suddenly in his senses, speaks feebly] Er, this night?
Edmund: [not in his senses] Yep! Come on, Melchy — what are you lot
scared of?
Queen: Perchance you're right. [in a child's taunt] Perhaps he's a [????].
Melchett: Oh, all correct then — tonight. I'll be in that location.
Queen: Hurray. and terminal one under the table gets…ten thou florins
from the loser.
Edmund: [shocked] Ma'am…? Er… right… Well, I'll get the beer in,
and so. [bows, puts a thumb to his nose and wiggles his fingers at
Melchett. Leaves]
Queen: [Stands at the door] Nursie…
Nursie: Hmm? [goes to speak privately with Queen]
Queen: [whispering] Do you know what I'g going to do?
Nursie: What?
Queen: I'm going to go along and find out exactly what happens at these
boys' nights.
Nursie: Good idea, poppet.
Queen: …and I'll vesture a cloak with a cowl, so no-ane will recognise me.
Nursie: Oh, that'due south another good idea. You lot're so clever today, you improve
be conscientious your foot doesn't autumn off.
Queen: Does that happen when you lot accept lots of vivid ideas?
Your foot falls off?
Nursie: It certainly does. My brother, he had this brilliant thought of
cut his toenails with a scythe, and >his< foot fell off…
[Scene changes to Edmund's house. Percy has quill in hand, taking
notes for Edmund, who paces the room.]
Edmund: Right, now; the sort of person we're looking for is an aggressive
drunken lout with the intelligence of a iv yr old and the
sexual sophistication of a ass.
Percy: [thinks] Central Woolsey… [writes]
Edmund: [calls] Baldrick!
[Baldrick enters, only his apparatus is dangling a mouse this time.]
Baldrick: My Lord…?
Edmund: Why?
Baldrick: I got fed up with the all-mouse diet, My Lord. I thought I'd attempt
true cat for variety.
Edmund: Good. Well done. and now, returning to the real world: Practise you lot take
a knife?
Baldrick: Yeah.
Edmund: Expert, because I wish to quickly send off some party invitations,
and, to brand them look particularly tough, I wish to write them
in claret — your claret, to exist precise.
Baldrick: And then, how much blood will y'all really be requiring, My Lord?
Edmund: Oh, zippo much — just a pocket-size puddle.
Baldrick: Will you lot want me to cut anything off? an arm or a leg, for
instance?
Edmund: Oh, expert lord, no — a footling prick should exercise.
Baldrick: Very well, My Lord; I am your bondsman and must obey. [sticks his
knife downward his trousers and begins sawing]
Edmund: For God's sake, Baldrick! I meant a little prick on your finger!
Baldrick: [nearly crying] I haven't got ane there!
Edmund: Forget it, forget it… [motions for Baldrick to get out]
Baldrick: Thanks, My Lord. [leaves]
Edmund: Right, now; Perce… How'due south this list going?
Percy: Oh, very well indeed. I thought we could invite my girlfriend,
Gwendoline…
Edmund: Lamentable — no chicks. Who else?
Percy: Well, that's nearly as far as I'd got, actually.
Edmund: Right. I'll dictate. Showtime: Simon Partridge.
Percy: Oh, not Farter'southward Parters, besides known equally Mr Ostrich…!
Edmund: Even he…
Percy: Just he's a fearful oik!
Edmund: Takes one to know one, Perce. Secondly: Sir Geoffrey Piddle.
Percy: Here's-To-The-Wellness-Of-Primal-Chunder Piddle?
Edmund: The very same… and, thirdly: Freddie Frobisher, the Bombastic
Hermit of Lindisfarne.
Percy: [holds his nose] Oh, paugh paugh!
Edmund: Right. That should do the trick.
Percy: Oh! and, of course, Lord and Lady Whiteadder, who'll be coming
anyway…
Edmund: Oh y– …oh, no…
[Scene changes to the throne room. Queen is on the throne, Nursie
is in her normal chair to the left (she is knitting), and Edmund
is kneeled on one knee before Queen.]
Queen: I must say, Edmund, it does expect a teeny bit like trying to get
out of it.
Edmund: [frantic] Quite the wrong impression, Ma'am. I only want to
make it some other nighttime, that's all.
Nursie: Certainly not!
Queen: I beg your pardon…?
Nursie: Well, it's simply one excuse after another, isn't information technology? Next thing,
he'll exist trying to become out of having his bath altogether.
[Edmund is quite confused.]
Queen: He isn't talking about baths, Nursie.
Nursie: Well, he should exist! How else is he going to go on clean?
Soon he'll exist saying he doesn't want his nappy inverse!
Queen: Lord Blackadder doesn't wear a nappy.
Nursie: Well, in that case, it'south fifty-fifty more important that he has a bathroom!
Queen: [tired of the interruptions] Oh, shut up, Nursie.
[to Edmund] I know why you want to leave of information technology, because I
call up the last time yous had a party — I found you face-down
in a puddle, wearing a pointy hat and singing a song about goblins.
Edmund: [stands] Yes, all right! All correct! Tonight it is.
Queen: [smiles, a bit turned on] Oh, Edmund… I do honey it when you get
cross. Sometimes I retrieve about having you executed just to see the
expression on your face.
[Edmund grins uneasily.]
[Scene changes to the room in Edmund's business firm to the right after
entering through the main door. Edmund, Baldrick and Percy enter.
Baldrick no longer wears his apparatus.]
Edmund: Correct, now; let's make sure you've got this. We are having two
parties here tonight…
Baldrick: Right.
Percy: Right.
Edmund: …and they must be kept completely separate.
Baldrick & Percy: Right.
Edmund: Firstly, a total piss-up — involving beer throwing, broken furniture
and wall-to-wall vomiting — to exist held here in Baldrick's sleeping accommodation.
Baldrick: Oh, thank you very much, My Lord! [Percy pats him on the shoulder
in congratulations]
[Edmund goes to the main living room of the house (where the previous
firm scenes have taken place).]
Edmund: Secondly, Percy will join me in hither for the gourmet turnip eating.
Is the Turnip Surprise prepare?
[Baldrick and Percy begin giggling.]
Baldrick: Yes, it is, My Lord.
Edmund: Then what is so funny?
Percy: Well, My Lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip
Surprise, >we< had a surprise — nosotros came beyond a turnip that was
exactly the same shape…as a thingy!
[Percy and Baldrick express joy.]
Edmund: [not amused] …a thingy…
Baldrick: …a neat big thingy! It was terrific.
Edmund: Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Nearly horses are very
well endowed, just that does not necessarily make them sensitive
lovers. I trust you have removed this hilarious item…?
Baldrick: Oh, yes, yes, My Lord.
Edmund: Practiced, considering there'southward nothing more than likely to stop an inheritance
than a thingy-shaped turnip.
Percy: Absolutely, Edmund. …but it was jolly funny! [laughs more than]
Edmund: Yes, yep, yes…
Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic, My Lord, because I've got
a thingy that's shaped like a turnip!
Edmund: Yes, all right…
Baldrick: I'm quite [?] at parties…
Edmund: [non interested] are you…
Baldrick: Yeah — I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children.
Edmund: What fun… Perchance you lot've forgotten that I'm meant to be having
a drinking competition here tonight with Lord Melchett, and ten
k florins are at stake!
Baldrick: Oh dear…
Edmund: What practice you mean?
Baldrick: Well, firstly: you haven't got ten k florins; and,
thirdly: one drop of the ale and you autumn apartment on your face
and beginning singing that song about the goblin.
Edmund: That'due south nonsense. … … … simply just in example information technology's true–
Baldrick: [to Percy] It is truthful — I saw it!
Edmund: Yes, all right, all right, it's truthful, it's true…
So, the programme is: When I call for my Incredibly Strong Ale,
you must pass me h2o in an ale canteen. Have yous got that?
Baldrick: Yep — when you call for ale, I laissez passer water.
Edmund: Percy, your task is to stay here and suck upwardly to my aunt.
Percy: [tries to human action suave] Ah, I retrieve you can trust me to know how to
handle a woman.
Edmund: Oh god…
[There is a knock at the door.]
Edmund: Right, hither goes…
[Edmund goes to the front door. Baldrick brushes Edmund'southward vesture
for a moment.]
Edmund: [motioning for Baldrick to stop] It's all right…
[Baldrick opens the cupboard door and tosses the castor in.
Edmund opens the front door. Aunt and Uncle'due south clothing is
all white, with a large cantankerous around the neck, a cantankerous sticking
out of each shoulder, and a white helmet with a cross sticking
out the acme.]
Edmund: Uncle! Aunt! Greetings! How squeamish it is to see yous.
[He leans over and kisses Aunt on each cheek.]
Aunt: [slaps Edmund twice] Wicked kid!!! Don't prevarication! Everyone hates us,
and you know it!
Edmund: Oh yes. Er, may I innovate my friend Lord Percy…?
Percy: [suave] Well well well, Eddy! You didn't tell me you had
such a adept-looking aunt!
[Edmund waves at him to shut upwards. Aunt is shocked.]
Percy: Good morrow to thee, gorgeousness! I know what I like,
and I similar what I see!
Aunt: [slaps Percy] Exist gone, Satan! [heads to the main room]
Edmund: Er, yes, well, well, I hope you had a pleasant inheritance…
Did I say `inheritance'? I meant `journeying'.
[motions around the tabular array] If you'd simply like to assistance yourself
to a legacy — er, a chair…
Aunt: `Chair'? You have chairs in your house?
Edmund: Oh, yes.
Aunt: [slaps him twice] Wicked child!!! Chairs are an invention of Satan!
In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!
Edmund: …and yourself…?
Aunt: I sit on Nathaniel — two spikes would be an extravagance.
Edmund: Well, quite.
Aunt: I volition suffer condolement this once — we shall just take to stick
forks in our legs between courses. [sits] I trust you call up
we consume no meat…? [Uncle, off-camera, has sat too.]
Edmund: Heaven preclude, no! [Goes to sit at the end of the tabular array;
Percy sits at the other end] Hither, we feast but on God's
lovely turnip — mashed.
Aunt: [stands of a sudden] Mashed?!
Edmund: Aye…
Aunt: [slaps him twice] Wicked child!!! Mashing is also the work of
Beelzebub — for Satan saw God's blessed turnip, and he envied it
and mashed it to spoil its sacred shape.
Edmund: Ah.
Aunt: I shall take my turnip as God intended. [sits]
Edmund: Fine. [calls] Baldrick!
[Baldrick enters.]
Baldrick: My Lord…?
Edmund: Volition you fetch my dear aunt a raw turnip, please?
Baldrick: Well, nosotros've merely got the one that–
Edmund: [Interrupts, wanting to show authority in front of his retainer
to Aunt and Uncle] Just do information technology, thank y'all.
[Baldrick leaves.]
Edmund: [to Uncle] So, Uncle, will you have your turnip mashed, or as
God intended?
Aunt: He volition not respond you lot; he has taken a vow of silence.
[Uncle looks quite unhappy] I believe that silence is golden.
[Edmund begins to say something similar "Oh, I meet" but decides information technology'south
amend to be golden. Aunt gives him an approving look.]
[Suspension]
[Edmund, however not wanting to speak, but likewise wanting to get to the
topic he wants to talk about, clears his throat, making the word
`inheritance' equally he does and so.]
[There is a noisy knock on the front door.]
Aunt: Edmund! I trust you take invited no other guests…?
Edmund: Oh, certainly not!
Aunt: Skillful — for where there are other guests there are people to
fornicate with!
Edmund: Well, quite.
[More than knocking on the front door.]
Edmund: I'll merely get and tell them to fornicate off. [motions over to
Percy] Lord Percy… [leaves]
Percy: Erm, er, aye, er, well, Lord Whiteadder, er, a vow of silence…
Now, that's quite an interesting thing… Tell me most it.
[In the hall, Edmund leaves his bedroom wearing a pair of false
breasts over his clothing, and then goes to the front door and opens
it. Monk, Partridge (holding an ostrich feather) and Piddle enter,
also wearing fake breasts over their clothing. Monk wears a lid
with a chicken on it; Partridge wears a hat with a model of a ship
on it, and Piddle wears a hat with bells and something I can't
describe — like a May pole. They sing.]
"Happy Birthday to y'all!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Altogether, Eddy-infant!
Happy Birthday to you!"
[In the main room, Aunt tin hear, and doesn't know what to make of information technology;
Percy is unable to think of an explanation.]
Edmund: [loudly and then Aunt tin can hear] But information technology's not my altogether, Arch Deacon!
[In the principal room, Aunt nods and smiles. Percy is relieved.]
[Edmund leads the grouping into Baldrick's bedroom.]
Edmund: Well, well, become stuck in, boys.
Partridge: `Stuck in'! Manner-hey! Get it?
Monk: No… [Piddle doesn't, either]
Partridge: Well, it sounds a chip rude, doesn't it! `Stuck >in<'!
[The boozers express mirth, as there's a knock at the front door.]
Edmund: Er, sorry — back in a tick. [leaves]
Partridge: Way-hey! `Tick', eh, lads? Now; that sounds a bit rude,
doesn't it… That sounds a scrap like `bum'.
[They laugh.]
[Edmund, in the hallway, opens the front door. Melchett enters.]
Edmund: Ah, Melchett — late, I see, to avoid the early on drinking.
Oh, Melchy, y'all actually are a beginner — you're non fifty-fifty
wearing a pair of one-act breasts!
Melchett: [opens his coat to reveal gold false breasts]
Au contraire, Blackadder…
Edmund: Aye, well, well, allow's wait until we go downwards to the really serious
drinking, shall we?
Melchett: [has moved to the door of the main room] In here?
Edmund: Er, no, no, it'southward this way. [shows Melchett to Baldrick'southward bedroom]
Hither nosotros are.
[As they enter, the three boozers are bent over, shaking their
backsides and saying "Whoa!" rise in pitch.]
Melchett: Practiced evening, er…
Edmund: Lads, this is Lord Melchett.
[They cheer.]
Edmund: Er, requite him a large one, will y'all?
Partridge: `Large ane'! Way-hey! Get it?
Piddle: No…
Partridge: Yes you do! `Large one'! Sounds a bit rude!
Piddle: Oh aye! `Large 1'!
[The boozers laugh.]
Edmund: You may find the conversation a bit above your head at first,
Melchy, just y'all'll before long get used to it. Well, er, [taking a mug
and raising it] downwards the hatch!
[The boozers cheer, as Edmund leaves and tosses the drink in the
closet. He goes to the door of the master room, about to remove
the breasts, when there is a rhythmic knock on the door. In the
main room, Percy knocks an answering rhythm on the table. Edmund
opens the front door. Queen is wrapped in a cowled cloak, and
tries to disguise her voice.]
Queen: I heard there was a party on.
Edmund: [not knowing who it is] No. Aye, there are 2, and y'all are
invited to neither. [begins to close the door, but Queen speaks]
Queen: I'm a friend of Lord Percy.
Edmund: Oh, you must be Gwendoline! Yous were invited anyhow. Come up in, do.
Queen: Thank you very much. [enters]
Edmund: It's in here… [opens the cupboard door, pushes Queen in, closes the
closet door and locks it]
[Edmund enters the main room again at last, only has forgotten about
his simulated breasts.]
Edmund: I'm sorry well-nigh that. [obscured past laughter] [sits]
Percy: [with his hand over his mouth, tries to warn Edmund]
agh… agh…aaagh!
Edmund: [to Uncle] Distressing, he'southward sick — leprosy…of the encephalon.
Aunt: That, or what he is trying to tell yous is that you announced to be
wearing a pair of devil's dumplings!
Edmund: [looks down at the breasts, double-takes] Oh my god — my earmuffs
have fallen downward! [puts the breasts over his caput so they cover
his ears] It's getting, er, would you like a pair? It is getting
rather common cold… [??]
Aunt: No thank you lot! Common cold is God'due south way of telling united states of america to fire more catholics!
Edmund: Well, quite — which reminds me, Aunty–
Aunt: [stands up] Don't call me `Aunty'!!! [slaps him twice]
`Aunt' is a relative, and relatives are prove of sex,
and sex is inappreciably a fitting subject field for the dinner table. [sits]
Edmund: …or, indeed, any table.
Percy: …except, perhaps, a tabular array in a brothel.
Edmund: [kicks Percy off his chair] Oh dear, Percy, it seems y'all have
fallen off your chair.
[Baldrick enters, carrying a plate on which sits the thingy-shaped
turnip]
Edmund: At present then, what was I proverb? [sees the turnip and speaks without
a intermission] Oh my god…
Baldrick: [to Aunt] Your turnip, My Lady…
Aunt: [picks up the turnip, holds it in front of her, her eyes wide]
Very expert! Very good! [bites into it, then points it at Uncle,
and speaks to him] You know, Nathaniel, it takes me right dorsum
to our wedding night.
[Uncle'southward optics open up wide, in surprise. Baldrick has left.]
Aunt: [to Edmund] We had raw turnips that night.
[Drunken cheering is heard.]
Aunt: What was that?
Edmund: What was what?
Aunt: That noise.
Edmund: Dissonance? [turns his caput and lifts a breast off an ear]
Did you lot hear a dissonance, Percy?
Percy: No…
Edmund: Good.
Percy: …apart from that colossal drunken roar.
Edmund: [kicks Percy off his chair] Oh, >that< noise — information technology's the
catholics next door, I'one thousand afraid.
Aunt: [stands angrily, makes a very disapproving noise]
Edmund: Er, but, I'll, I'll just go and fire them. Dorsum in a minute.
[stands] Percy… [leaves]
[In the hall, Baldrick replaces Edmund's faux breasts, and fits a
imitation nose to Edmund's forehead, then dusts him off a bit. As
Edmund goes downward the hall, he hears pounding from inside the closet.
He opens the closet door.]
Edmund: Yes?
Queen: I'm suffocating!
Edmund: [still not knowing who it is] Well, give thanks God y'all knocked. [takes
her out of the closet] Come up on, now, now, accept a deep jiff.
[she does] …and another… [she does] Better?
Queen: Yes.
Edmund: Good. [pushes her back into the closet, and closes the door again]
[Back in the principal room, Percy still tries to be good company.]
Percy: Mind you lot, I'll say ane thing for catholics: they exercise accept
natural rhythm! [Aunt leans toward him menacingly; he leans away]
[In Baldrick'due south bedroom, Edmund has returned; they're all wearing
false noses on their foreheads now, although Partridge'due south is coming
out the side of his head.]
Melchett: I notice you lot're not drinking, Blackadder…
Edmund: Oh, don't you worry about me, Melchers — I'thou holding my own here.
Partridge: Mode-hey! `Property my ain'! Now, that sounds >incredibly< rude!
[The boozers laugh.]
Edmund: Yes, well, I never went to university, of course.
Melchett: [continuing] Er, Blackadder, information technology doesn't explain why you're not
drinking with u.s.a..
Edmund: Ah yes, no, that'due south what I really came to talk to you about,
you lot encounter. What do you say about the idea of ten minutes absolute
silence to get some really serious drinking in?
[The boozers cheer, then realise that that's noisy, then they all become
`shh!' rather messily.]
Edmund: Yes… I said, "Delight give me silence" — not "drench me with
distill."
Melchett: [hands Edmund a silver goblet] Well, now, here's a nice glass
of cider.
Edmund: Oh, just cider? I'm going to go and put some brandy in information technology!
[The boozers cheer and go `shh!' again, as Edmund leaves.]
[Edmund enters the hallway, briefly opens the closet door and tosses
the cider in. Queen shrieks upon getting moisture. Edmund removes his
false nose and breasts, heading for the principal room. In Baldrick's
bedroom, meanwhile, the boozers and Melchett are sitting down
like in a rowboat. A barrel of something bursts open up. Edmund
enters the main room again.]
Edmund: So, how are nosotros all going, and so?
Aunt: Non well. Let the states discuss your inheritance.
Edmund: [has sat] Ah, aye, good. Erm, a little drink, first?
Aunt: [stands] Beverage?! [slaps him twice] Wicked child!!! Drink is
urine for the final leper in Hell!
Edmund: Oh, no, no — this is only water. This is a firm of unproblematic purity.
[Monk enters, breasts and all, in convulsions. He rushes to the
fireplace and vomits, and so turns and begins to leave.]
Monk: Great booze-upwards, Edmund! [farts, leaves]
[suspension]
Aunt: Practise you lot know that man?
Edmund: [looks behind himself as though he didn't really run into] No…
Aunt: He called you lot `Edmund'…
Edmund: Oh, >know< >him<…oh, yes, I do.
Aunt: Then can you explain what he meant by `cracking booze-up'?
Edmund: [thinks … … … thinks … … … thinks … … … thinks
… … … thinks … … … thinks … … … thinks … …
… thinks … … … thinks … … … thinks … … … thinks]
Yes, I can… My friend…is…a missionary…and…on his last
visit abroad…brought back with him…the main of a famous
tribe… >His< proper noun is Not bad Bu… He's been suffering from
sleeping sickness…and he has obviously just woken…because, as
yous heard, "Smashing Bu'due south up"…
Percy: [nearly passing out from holding his breath] Well done, Edmund…
Edmund: …and I think I'd better just go and visit him… [stands]
Perce, over to you lot… [leaves]
Percy: Yes… How about some sort of game? Er, how about a couple of
frames of Shove-Piggy-Shove? [he gets frightened at Aunt's reaction,
which is non seen on photographic camera]
[Edmund re-enters Baldrick's chamber. Piddle has a cardinal's
hat in his hand (for the aformentioned Primal Chunder routine).]
Melchett: [climbing off the floor] Blackadder! You lot challenged me to a
drinking contest earlier today, and I haven't seen you lot touch
a drop!
Edmund: Nonsense!
Melchett: It'due south truthful! You lot, you lot twist and turn similar a…twisty turny matter.
I say yous're a weedy pigeon, and you tin can telephone call me `Susan' if it
isn't and so.
Edmund: Fine, all right. [opens the door, calls out] Baldrick, fetch my
Incredibly Strong Ale…!
Monk: Expert god! Non Dr McGloo's Bister Enema…?
Edmund: Pah! — a drink for schoolgirls…
Partridge: Surely not Strollop's Lobster Scrumpy…?
Edmund: No — it is Blackadder'due south Bowel Basher!
[Baldrick enters with a bullpen and glass.]
Edmund: …a brew guaranteed to knock the backside off a physical elephant!
…is it not, Baldrick?
Baldrick: Nah, it's h2o.
Melchett: WHAT?
[Partridge growls]
Edmund: Eh, heh heh… No, but seriously, Baldrick — and presuming you wish
to see another dawn…
Baldrick: You did call for your Incredibly Potent Ale, My Lord…?
Edmund: [trying to show off] Yes, that'southward right.
Baldrick: Oh, that's a relief; I idea I'd made a error.
Edmund: Ah.
[Baldrick begins to pour the water in the drinking glass. Being a glass and
not a metal mug similar all the others accept, everyone can see that the
liquid is water — particularly when Baldrick spills some.]
Piddle: [continuing, shouts] My god! He's right! Information technology >is< water!
[Edmund kicks Baldrick in the shin.]
Monk: Come on, lads — let'due south give him a >real< potable! [he gives a bullpen
to Edmund]
Edmund: Well, fine…
Monk: Bums up!
Partridge: Way-hey! `Bums'! Sounds a bit like `bum', doesn't it?
Melchett: Drink, Blackadder! Drink!
[Edmund begins to drink…]
[42 Seconds Later on]
[In the main room, Percy is hit by Aunt. Edmund enters, with the
cardinal hat on his head and the ostrich plume sticking out of
the back of his tights. His spoken communication is slurred.]
Edmund: Percy, I've lost the bet.
Aunt: Edmund! Explain yourself!
Edmund: I tin't — not just similar that. I'yard a complicated person, you run into,
Aunty… Sometimes I'1000 nice, and sometimes I'thousand nasty — hee hee!
…and sometimes I just like to sing picayune songs, like:
"See the little goblin, meet his little–
Aunt: I mean explicate why you are wearing a primal's lid, why you are
grin inanely, and [sees the feather every bit Edmund turns around and
falls to his knees, leaning against the chair to the side of the
door] …why you have an ostrich feather sticking out of your
britches!
Edmund: I'm wearing a key's hat because I'1000 Central Chunder;
I have an ostrich feather upward my bottom [Percy nods and mouths
Edmund'southward words, having heard this earlier] considering Mr Ostrich put it
there to keep in the little pixies — hah hah! — and I'm grinning
inanely because I think I've just virtually succeeded in conning you
and your daft husband out of a whopping neat inheritance — hee hee
hee hee hee!
Aunt: [shouting] Is that right? May I remind yous, cursed creature [raises
her hand to slap him, merely he'southward too far away, so slaps Percy instead],
that your inheritance depends upon your not drinking and not gambling.
Edmund: Oh, yes — damn. Percy, the devil farts in my face once more.
Aunt: Not mentioning farts was also a condition.
Edmund: Shove off, you old trout!
Aunt: How dare y'all speak to my husband similar that! [Uncle is surprised at
this remark] Nathaniel, we're leaving!
[Uncle stands and walks out.]
Aunt: [turns to Percy] and you…
Percy: [frightened] Yes?
Aunt: Has anyone e'er told you you're a giggling imbecile?
Percy: [as though it goes without maxim] Oh, yes…
Aunt: Skillful. [stands, leaves, slamming the door]
Edmund: Good riddance, y'all quondam witch!
[In that location's a knock on the room door.]
Edmund: Whoops — she's forgotten her broomstick.
[The door opens, and Uncle leans in.]
Uncle: Expect, er… [checks to see that Aunt doesn't hear him]
I just wanted to say thanks for a fantabulous evening. Yes, starting time rate,
all round… [looks toward Percy] …particularly your jester.
[Percy looks behind himself, confused, trying to observe this jester.]
Uncle: Oh, and, past the manner, I loved the turnip — very funny!
>Exactly< the same shape…every bit a thingy! [leaves]
[Aunt enters Baldrick's bedroom by accident.]
Aunt: Proficient god!!! [raises the large cantankerous that she wears around her neck]
Partridge: Well, await who it is!!!
Piddle: Who is information technology?
Partridge: Well, it'southward a boys' party; she's a girl, so she must be
the stripper!
[The boozers and Melchett cheer. Aunt raises the cantankerous even higher.]
[Meanwhile, back in the main room…]
Percy: Oh, no… Don't go as well depressed, Edmund… I mean, coin
isn't everything… Think of clouds and daisies and the lovely
smiles on fiddling babies' faces… [he tries to make such a smile]
Edmund: Be placidity, Percy…
[In the hallway, Uncle opens the cupboard door, and motions to Aunt.]
Uncle: This way!
[Aunt and Uncle enter the closet; Queen comes out. The boozers
enter the hallway from Baldrick'south sleeping accommodation.]
Partridge: Whoa! Another stripper!
[Uncle comes out.]
Piddle: …and a male stripper!
[The boozers cheer. Uncle goes back into the closet.]
Monk: [removing Queen's cloak] Oh, yep, this is much more like information technology!
[In that location's a pause while they meet Queen in her purple dress]
Partridge: …and she's come dressed as the Queen!
Piddle: Oh!! Sexual practice-y!!! [does a little pelvic trip the light fantastic toe in front end on Queen]
Queen: Do you know who I am!
[Edmund comes out from the master room. Percy is behind him.]
Edmund: Yes! >I< know who y'all are!
[Piddle?]: Who?
Edmund: You're Merlin, The Happy Pig!!!
[The boozers cheer.]
Queen: Wrong, I'yard afraid. I >am< the Queen of England.
[Everyone slowly and awfully (save Percy) falls to their knees.]
Queen: I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the
heart and stomach of a concrete elephant!
Partridge: Evidence it!
Queen: I certainly will…! [she grabs a mug] First I'm going to have
a little drinky, and and then I'm going to execute the whole bally
lot of you. [drinks]
[Dawn The Next Mean solar day]
Edmund: [singing] "Run into the piffling goblin, meet his fiddling feet /
And his footling nosy-wose — isn't the goblin sweet?"
[Everyone — even Uncle, Percy and Baldrick are here — shouts "Yes!"
Some of them aren't wearing their own hats any more. Percy has
Uncle's helmet on, for instance. Others have hats previously
unseen.]
Edmund: "Run into the little goblin–
Queen: Er, wait a minute… I'grand certain there was something very important
I had to do to all of you this forenoon.
[Everyone — including Queen — giggles at the possibilities.]
Melchett: I recall something about ten thousand florins…? was information technology…?
or…?
Uncle: I recall it was something near an inheritance.
Edmund: Look, practise you lot want to hear well-nigh this goblin or not?
[Everyone thank you "Yep!"]
Edmund: Right! Well, possibly this time I might be immune to proceed,
and perhaps finish, with any luck…
[All of a sudden, from under Queen's apparel, Aunt emerges.]
Aunt: `Luck'? Hah hah hah! Style-hey! Get it?
[Anybody says, "No…"]
Aunt: Oh, come on! `Luck'! Sounds almost exactly like `f–
[Ending music and credits. Edmund comes into view with a stick.
He stabs and slashes into the bushes as he walks down the lane,
hoping to striking the balladeer. He goes far beyond the fountain.
On the last line of the theme song, the balladeer is seen close
to the camera view, then goes off-shot once again. Edmund sees him,
and runs downwardly the lane equally fast as he tin can, stick raised in the air…]
Blackadder Serial 2 Episode Listing
- Bells
- Head
- White potato
- Money
- Beer
- Chains
Source: https://blackadderquotes.com/blackadder-series-2-episode-5-beer-full-script
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